the depilatory disaster

I'm only going to say this because I know I'm not the only one who has this problem, but I have a confession to make:

I have stubborn pubes.

Damn coarse motherfuckers are most likely due to the fact that I was over-enthusiastic with shaving when I was in my congenial tween-age years.

"BELLY BUTTON FUZZ? GRAB THE GUNS THAT FELON IS A GONER!"

Throughout the years I had developed high expectations of my personal hygiene. My body had to resemble that of a prepubescent asian girl, much unlike the light brown fur that covered my legs and arms before my discovery of Venus and Schick. Unfortunately, my body severely disagreed with my aspirations and punished me with frightening red bumps and ingrown hairs that forced me into swim shorts for at least two or three summers. My 13-year-old self was denied her desired sex-appeal (thank goodness).

Anyways, I blame my uninformed past for the unforgivable carpet that reigns the nether-regions. So in hopes of repairing the damage done, I've tried a few techniques:

Shaving? Nope.

Tweezing? Nope.

Waxing? Nope.

Hippie Lifestyle? Nope.

That is, until I found out about Nair. The chemical-infused mayonnaise goop some women use to get rid of hairy places like upper lip and under arm and bikini lines. Other than the smell, it's a bearable method of hair removal.

Along the same lines, I also found this exfoliating rubby thing which actually works from my experience but leaves a rash if you're too intense (or impatient) about it.

So my first pool escapade of the summer rolls along and I'm sitting in my bathroom pre-gaming for the event. Being the impatient rage-addict I am, I decide to use that smoothy-thing on the south horizons in order to avoid heart attacks from innocent bystanders. Time rolls by and I find that it's not as effective as it was on my arms and legs, so I grab a bottle of Nair and get down to business.

Now if you use Nair, you have to be careful and only use externally; anywhere near your vajayjay it's gonna burn like cum in yer eye. This is the same burn I experienced once the acid hair remover settled on the exfoliated zone of my bikini line. In a rush, I bit my lip and rubbed some dirt on it like a man. A man sitting in his bathroom in nothing but underwear with Nair on his bikini line (visual image?).

5 excruciating minutes go by and I wash that shit off with the bladder-cleansing relief of giving birth, only to notice a large red rash the size of a McDonald's hashbrown just outside my lady-briefs which had apparently surfaced during the pube-removal. Shitty deal. I've gotta celebrate with friends with a lovely nair-burn two inches away from my vagina. Staying in the hot tub for 4 hours was fun. Cheers, life.

(so maybe my pubes aren't dramatically overwhelming, but they are a nuisance. Also my friends are awesome and didn't say anything about it [to my face])